Five years ago my dear friend and mentor Sara Lando challenged me to turn my camera on myself, but I wasn’t ready. In the time that has passed since I was her student, I have been faced with more than a few dark nights of the soul. I have been forced to look critically at what I’ve experienced and endured in my life, and learn to accept all of it— the good with the bad— because the whole messy lot of it is what makes me, me. As such, I am warily venturing out into a new series of self-portraits…
I have a scar that runs down the center of my skull, which is the result of surgery that I had as an infant. As a kid, having such a large distinguishing mark made me a target for bullying in school, and I quickly grew ashamed of the scar. I would try to hide it by wearing my hair longer, but I’d occasionally get a haircut that was short enough that the scar (and the negative attention) reappeared.
The bullying at school wasn’t surprising to me, since I was already being bullied and abused at home, by my parents. As a result, I learned to stay small. I walked through life both physically and metaphorically hunched, hood up and eyes down. If I could manage to blend in, life was a little bit easier and less painful.
As as adult, I’d often get asked about my scar by customers at work, or even the occasional complement from a friend or well-meaning acquaintance, but I could never fully trust their motives. My lifelong negative associations with the scar were too engrained for me to believe any other narrative about myself.
A couple of years ago I was finally ready to engage the darkest areas of my past and accept (maybe even appreciate) them for helping make me who I am. Now when I look at the scar I see resilience and am filled with gratitude.
